


Fears

by SpoonDance



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 07:08:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3240812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonDance/pseuds/SpoonDance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of Sophie's fears. A companion piece to "Insecurities".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fears

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to all the suggestions given me for this! They were amazing and helped motivate me! This is my longest fic yet. Maybe I'll be able to keep that up!

They'd been fighting. Just about silly things like taking out the trash, making tea, cleaning up, and whatnot; all little things but they were both tired and stressed and the argument rose far higher than it should have. Honestly, Sophie couldn't even remember most of what was said and the anger wasn't deep, it was a surface simmer that just needed to let off steam. But it took too long, voices becoming too loud, and then it just halted. And Maddie left.

The argument hadn't ended, it just hung in the air until it was too heavy and fell all around Sophie, alone. Her eyes were on the door that Maddie had stormed out through and suddenly she couldn't look anywhere else. She waited. And waited. And just when she was going to go running after the fuming girl, she felt weak and realized her breathing had become shallow. She leaned back against the door frame for support, eyes still on the front door.

Her hands were raking through her hair and then wrapping about herself, wondering how far Maddie was. Every second felt like a mile in distance and every breath felt thicker. What if this was it? Another mile. What if that was it? Another mile. We're they done just like that? Another mile. Was that the last time she'd ever see her? Another mile. Hear her? Another mile. Another mile. Another mile.

Sophie jerkily slid down the doorway, knees to her chest and throat constricting. She was terrified Maddie would just run. She'd started to feel safer, believe Maddie wouldn't or couldn't leave now but... _what if?_

Five more miles.

What if Sophie pushed her too much? Did she tell her enough that this, what they had and the home and the life she'd built, it was all real and wouldn't turn on her? Did she listen and notice when Maddie was closed off about something, something that could push her away? Did she do enough to make Maddie feel safe and loved?

Ten more miles.

Her vision was clouded, focused in solely on the door, and tears were silently falling. She'd always gone back and forth thinking she had a grip on Maddie, then the next she was a ghost and so far from her reach. Maddie had been such an unexpected package to hold a soul she loved, and she feared it wasn't real at all. That it had all been in her mind, a way to bring love back into her life. Because Maddie herself could be seen as some sort of metaphor for her own healing. All rough and hard on the surface, surrounded by a bitterness that seemed to seep into everything around, but if you can break through all that, there's a warmth and a softness, and such a bright light...

A hundred more miles.

Why? Why would Maddie leave? Leave her? But as soon as she started that thought, her mind was spinning in a dark whirl and she was gasping to breathe through the sobs. The door burst open quickly and she barely noticed the figure rushing towards her, but then arms were around her and words in her hair and the smell of cinnamon and berries all around her.

Right there.

“I'm so sorry, Sophie. I'm so sorry, that was stupid of me. I promise I'll never do that again, for any reason. I'm not runnin'. I won't leave.” Sophie gripped at Maddie's back urgently. “I'll never walk out on you.”

 

.o.o.o.

 

It was her mum. She loved her but sometimes... Sophie'd told Maddie about getting hit by a car, about her exes, told her all sorts of stories from her past as they shared and talked those late nights away. But she hadn't told her everything. Not yet. She wasn't exactly sure why, but part of her feared it'd change Maddie's view of her. But the one thing her mum briefly referenced, with just the right wording that made it clear to Maddie that it wasn't the same accident, was when she fell off the church roof.

Maddie had shot her a look then but the conversation swiftly carried on and left it behind. Until they were alone at her dad's.

“What was your mum talkin' about before? What fall?” Maddie asked as they were getting ready for bed.

Sophie remained silent for awhile, trying to figure out what to say as she kept moving about and refusing to look to her girlfriend.

“Soph?” The rushed silence must've gone on too long, Maddie's voice turning softer and cautious. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want, I was just curious.”

Sighing, Sophie ran a hand through her hair before standing up straighter, still facing away from Maddie. “I... Years ago, I sorta fell off the church roof.”

“What?” There was disbelief and concern in her voice, but still that caution, Sophie supposed she was judging where she could step.

“It was an accident,” Sophie turned around, arms crossing protectively about her. She didn't like thinking about that time, made her feel a hint of that weight and darkness but also left her feeling foolish. She shrugged. “I was drunk and... not myself.”

When she finally looked up into Maddie's eyes, she saw more questions but also a fear, a recognition, and an openness that she realized Maddie would probably understand more so than most. Wanting to run, wanting change, feeling trapped. She still felt her heart stutter hesitatingly. Because she still couldn't fully accept that what had happened wasn't just her own stupidity and rashness. And because what if Maddie saw her thoughts as simple and niave...

But then, she really let herself see into Maddie's eyes and she was losing her hold on her words and letting them fall for Maddie.

“Things were just... chaotic. Nothin' seemed right and everything was turning sour. My parents were constantly rowing, our house was being sold and we were gonna have to move into a tiny apartment. I was kicked outta college, I thought Sian was pushing me away or off with some other girl, nobody had time to talk or listen or even notice me. And I thought God had abandoned me, hated me, and when I was drunk it all just became that much more. And... I dunno. I just wanted a sign. Somethin' that said I wasn't... forsaken.” The last word was muttered, sounding too... excessive.

Her eyes had drifted to her feet as she spoke, her shoulders hunched and tense as she gripped her own arms tightly. She forced herself to look back to Maddie, she stood in the same spot, her eyes a deeper sort of emotion, and she looked... shaken. Sophie swallowed thickly, heart racing as she waited. A twitch of Maddie's fingers and then she was moving, slowly at first as if to see if Sophie would allow her, and then quickly. In front of her in a couple steps and hands cupping her cheeks then dropping to rub along her tense arms.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered. “God Sophie, I'm so sorry.” It was as if she didn't know what to say but Sophie didn't care, she was there and looking at her no differently. Well, a little different but only seeming to have widened her field of vision. “That... You're so strong, Soph.”

That took Sophie by surprise. Strong? Getting drunk and falling off a building and almost killing herself in her own self pity was being strong? She scoffed at the thought.

“Sophie, I'm serious.” Hands were back on her cheek, pulling her to firm eyes. “That is far too much for anyone to have to carry about. An' you were younger even. I mean, I just run, you tried to carry it all.” Sophie's arms loosened but still kept them between them. “I get the drinking, I get the going off and doing things you regret, I get all those... thoughts. But Soph, caught up in a raging storm and still around to tell the tale? Pretty amazing.”

Maddie's smile and encouraging hands had Sophie's arms dropping and Maddie stepping into them. Her heart felt lighter. “Sure, still silly.”

“No, feeling abandoned is never silly. No matter on what level: pets, family, friends, God; it's all the same kind of drag on the heart.” Arms were tighter around her as she was pulled closer. “I see you, Sophie Webster, and I could never not notice you.”

 

.o(continued)o.

 

Sophie smiled softly as Maddie nudged their foreheads together, keeping eye contact strong.

“And if you ever think I am pushing you away or not noticing you, just tell me. Or hit me upside the head. Or something. Because I promise, I never mean to really push you away and you're always there in my sights. Sophie you're...” Maddie paused, her eyes tracing over her features and Sophie felt safer and more secure in that moment, with that memory in her mind, than she ever thought possible. “You're just so flamin' bright. I couldn't _not_ see you. I don't know exactly when it happened, shortly after I shoved your mum's face in the triffle I suppose, but suddenly you were the only one I cared to and instantly noticed in a room.”

“Thank you,” Sophie whispered, eyes closing for a second.

“For what?” Maddie sounded sightly lost.

Sophie chuckled, the sound low in her still easing tension. “For sayin' all that. I've never really known where I stand in my relationships. Especially at the beginning. A lot of the time I feel like I'm all in and mad about the other while they're tryin' to decide if I'm good enough or worth it in the first place.”

Maddie pulled back slightly, her eyes faltering disbelievingly across Sophie's face. “What, really?” Sophie nodded slightly, looking away and feeling vulnerable again. Maddie spoke up again, voice just as halting as her eyes. “But... You're... You're gorgeous and strong willed and, like, caring 'nd all that. You're.. Too good. Better 'an anyone I've ever known. And yeah okay, cheeky vagrant here and the streets don't offer up many great ones but... I've seen lots of people, even just in passing, and you're good.”

Sophie laughed softly. She enjoyed the words, and knowing Maddie meant them was even better, but years of self-doubt and hurt still writhed in her spine.

“I guess I didn't help much, did I?”

She smiled gently even as she shook her head. Maddie hadn't been entirely easy to read in the beginning and her hot and cold, distant attitude didn't really make her feel confident about her feelings; but she did understand. And now she knew where she stood. With sure footing.

“Sorry. I was a right mare.” Maddie trailed off but then there was a warm hand on Sophie's cheek turning her to look her in the eye. “I know I was awful, I know I tried to make you think I didn't like you, didn't care. I ran when I got scared and thought it was just plain best for you. I didn't think you could even really want or love me. I never even thought it could be the other way 'round. I-I'll try my best to make sure you know I'm all in. 'Cause I am. I have been.”

The ache in her heart was easing as she easily watched Maddie. She meant every word and she breathed them in, letting them fill her and start to repair the fractures in her trust with love.

“I do know, I do. And after all the fumbles in the beginning, I feel dead safe with you.” She pulled Maddie close again, resting their foreheads back together. “Don't feel like you'll run off with my heart and leave me shattered.”

“Good, 'cause I won't. I'm so lost in you, Soph, and I've never felt that way and so anchored at the same time. And I'm done taking what's not mine.” Both their voices had drifted into soft murmurs as they took a moment just for themselves, reassuring and understanding.

“But that's the thing, Mads. My heart _is_ yours.”

 

.o.o.o.

 

The thing about Rosie was, as much as Sophie loved her sister, she couldn't shake the feeling that everyone noticed her older sister before even realizing Sophie had been there already. Her parents were always so focused on the older girl, forgetting her and leaving her feeling so little compared to her sister. Any visit from Rosie was a jumble of emotions for her. She was excited to get to visit with her sister, catch up; they were entirely different people but they had a bond. On the other hand, her sister's presence always seemed to make her feel that same unseen and forgotten feeling she use to feel as a kid.

Rosie was coming home for a visit and it would be the first time Maddie and her sister would meet. Sophie hoped Rosie wouldn't embarrass her or Maddie, hoped they'd get along and that Rosie would see how great Mads was. But at the same time there was this nagging worry... What if Maddie found Rosie more interesting than her?

It might be a silly fear, but she couldn't help it.

“So when's she coming over again?” Maddie asked, fidgeting subtly but Sophie noticed.

“Ehm,” Sophie checked the time, then shrugged. “Anytime now I reckon. Rosie goes by her own time so there's really no telling when she'll decide to show up.”

Maddie nodded and turned back to the telly. Sophie knew Maddie was nervous about meeting her sister, she'd consistently shown she struggled with meeting new people close to Sophie, but she also noted how much calmer she seemed now. It settled her own nerves knowing the Maddie was secure enough with her that she didn't have to worry about a repeat of what happened when her dad came home.

Her phone went off and she checked to see a text from Rosie. She sighed.

“What?”

“My sister evidently can't be bothered to come over here. Says we should go to my mum's to see her.” So like Rosie.

“Oh, umm. Okay?” Sophie could see the new rush of nerves in the girl at the change in plans but knew that just going would be best.

“Com'on, let's head over and appease the queen.” She grinned, standing up to pull Maddie to her feet.

Jackets donned and hands clasped, they walked down the street to No. 4. Maybe she was holding Maddie's hand a bit tighter, walking a bit slower to prolong the walk, but Maddie didn't seem to notice or mind. Soon they were at the front door though, and Sophie glanced over to her girlfriend, giving her a quick smile and squeeze to her hand before entering.

Before they could even got their coats off, Rosie's voice was carried to them. “That you, Sophie?”

“Yeah we're oof-” Rosie engulfed her in a fussed hug before pulling back and grinning. She was just as bubbly and done-up as ever. And dressed as scantily as ever.

“I've missed you! How're you? Oh!” Rosie's eyes and attention focused in on Maddie stood quietly behind her. “This your little scoundrel of a girlfriend then?”

She knew Rosie well enough to know she wasn't trying to be offensive but she growled slightly anyway. “Rosie!”

“Oh I'm just teasin'.” She waves her off entirely, and smiles at Maddie. “You're not at all like I imagined. Thought you'd be bigger and meaner looking.”

“Ehm... thanks?” Maddie's eyes flickered to Sophie, uneasy, and she wanted to butt in but Rosie was speaking again.

“Yeah, you're adorable! Look at ya! I hear Sophie had a right time getting you to stick around. You a wild one, huh?” Rosie winked and smiled to her sister and Sophie tried not to take it as some sort of dig at her.

“More like I didn't think I was good for her.” Maddie's words were firm, as if defending Sophie and Sophie knew she was when she saw the tension in the girl's jaw.

“Aww, you're just a sweetheart, aren't you? Well, in any case you seem to make Sophie dead happy so you can't be too bad.”

Maddie looked back to her, feeling crowded by the one person in front of her, and Sophie reached out to take her hand.

Later, they sat in the living room chatting. Sophie sat next to Maddie on the couch with Rosie on the armchair, excitedly talking and asking questions. Sophie kept glancing back at Maddie to judge her reaction to her older sister. Many times she caught her looking right back at her and smiled before turning back, hopefully not alerting the girl to her reasons for checking.

“Sooo how long have you two been, like, official?” Rosie's question pulled her attention back.

“Ehmm...” She honestly didn't know. They had such an odd, hot and cold start that she didn't herself know when they were “officially” together. It felt like they were from the moment Maddie went to kiss her in the corner shop. At the same time it didn't feel like they were until the day they first slept together, Maddie offhandedly calling herself her girlfriend the next day. Or maybe not 'til after she came back after running off. Each time.

“I was a bit of a nightmare at the beginning. And really, quite awhile after.” Maddie admitted, then shrugged, her words falling nonchalantly but Sophie felt the words hit her hard. “But she had me the moment she stopped me from runnin' off the first time.”

Sophie couldn't help the warm grin that took her, Maddie's eyes being pulled to her and she saw how Maddie seemed to realize how her words meant more than a simple answer to a routine question. And she smiled softly back.

“Listen ta her! A real sweet talker, this one.” Rosie said to Sophie who turned back to her, knowing Maddie was probably annoyed at how soppy Rosie was making her sound.

“Yeah well she's a real softie, though she won't admit it,” she teased, hearing a groan from Maddie beside her.

“I'm still the scary one,” Maddie defended.

“And I told ya, I could be scary if I wanted to.”

“Oh yeah, have you not seen this one get all riled up yet?” Rosie asked, surprised.

Maddie cleared her throat, eyes flashing to Sophie then down to her hands, and Sophie nearly laughed knowing where her girlfriend's thoughts had gone. Rosie seemed to as well.

“Look at her face! I wasn't even going there!” Rosie laughed spiritedly. “But now that you bring it up an' all-”

“Rosie,” Sophie warned firmly.

“-How's the shaggin'?”

Sophie closed her eyes in annoyance and felt Maddie shift uncomfortably behind her.

“Oh come on! As your older sister, I'm like, your sex life guru.”

Sophie just shook her head, hoping Rosie would drop it, but her sister just turned to prodding Maddie instead.

“You treating my sister right? I bet you're the bold, rough one in bed, ey? Like, a proper top you. I hope sweet Sophie keeps things switched up enough for you.”

Sophie was mortified. She knew her sister had no sense of boundaries but she always hoped she'd find some at some point in her life. And Maddie was fidgeting and Sophie looked to her to see her eyes nearly screaming for help. Sophie chuckled because otherwise she'd probably lash out at her sister, both for making Maddie so uncomfortable and also for suggesting she was a bad shag. She reached over and soothingly squeezed Maddie's knee and rubbed her thigh.

“Drop it already, would ya? It's none of your business,” this time her eyes were sharp and words stronger.

“What? I just really want to learn 'bout you two!” Rosie said defensively, oblivious to the unsettled Maddie and warning look from her sister.

“By asking about how we make love?” Sophie's brow rose. Really Rosie?

“Well, yeah? You can tell a lot about someone and a relationship by how they are in bed. I'm just tryin' to see how compatible you two are, 'cause from the looks of you it's hard to tell.”

Sophie was getting angry but tried to keep it in check; this was just her sister being her sister and, in her own rude way, was trying to take an interest in her relationship. She cared in such an unwanted and sometimes crude way.

She felt Maddie still herself and she turned to look at her but she knew she was going to speak -bravely- before she even saw her mouth open. “Soph's the aggressive one and she does a damn good job at what she does. We're very compatible. Let's move on, yeah?”

Sophie had to bite back another grin as she watched Maddie's stern look turn from her sister to her. She watched as Maddie swallowed thickly and Sophie wanted to kiss her for her brazen words.

“You're kidding!? Sophie? Oh this is too good. You got to tell now, I never would have thought!” Her sister was newly enthused and nearly bouncing in her chair.

Sophie rolled her eyes. “Enough, Rosie.”

Rosie was about to keep on them when Sally entered the room. “Rosie, now tell us about how your modeling is going.” And she was off again, happy to gab about her wonderful, glamorous life.

Sophie was glad the attention was off her and Maddie -particularly the more intimate aspects of their relationship- but sunk into the couch as she was subjected to listen to her sister go on and on and on. As she was talking animatedly in her over-the-top way, she went back to peeking at Maddie from time to time. She looked fairly intent on her sister, focused on her and it involuntarily nipped at her heart. But then the next glance, she was looking to her and she'd avert her eyes again. She figured Maddie probably thought she was being needy or something.

Finally, it was getting late enough that she could suggest heading out and, after Rosie kept talking for another half hour, she and Maddie were able to get their jackets on. Rosie jumped up before they walked out to give Sophie a hug, telling her to stop by again tomorrow so they could talk more. She then turned and pulled a surprised Maddie into an excited hug, Maddie patting awkwardly at the older girl's back, looking so bewildered Sophie had to stop herself from laughing.

“Welcome to the family, Maddie, and Sophie, don't wear her out too much!” Rosie cheekily said a bit too loudly.

“Rosie!” This time it was her mum and Sophie took the opportunity to duck out with Maddie in tow.

Walking down the street, she had Maddie's hand back in hers and relaxed into the contrast of the calm night to her sister's loud presence. She glanced to Maddie once more, wanting to know her thoughts. When she didn't speak though, she just asked, “So, what'd'ya think of my dear sister?”

There was a pause, Maddie thinking on her response. When she spoke, it was thoughtful and slow. “She's kinda like air, isn't she?” Sophie looked to her, confused. Maddie went on at the look. “I mean she just sorta fills a room and is just everywhere. And everyone like needs to breathe her 'cause she's everywhere.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Sophie looked away because yeah, her sister definitely enveloped any room she entered with _her_. She felt a bit smaller, even if Maddie was just making an observation it still felt like she was a pebble to her sister's boulder.

“It's weird to try and explain. Here, it's like you're light and she's air.” Sophie looked back to her, puzzled. “She's everywhere but there's really nothing to her. She's just a bunch of, no offense to your sister, but a bunch of nothing. A bunch of loud air. You fill a room but you proper light it up. And you're interesting and something to look at. You can't just sit and stare a air, but you can definitely watch how the light plays across a room... You just draw eyes for being brilliant, not for being loud. I had a well hard time paying attention to her, just kept getting bored and wanting to just go home with you.” Maddie wasn't even really looking at her as she spoke, just rattling off her thoughts and Sophie stopped in her steps, pulling her wonderful girl to a stop as well. “Soph?”

Sophie just leaned in and kissed her.

 

.o.o.o.

 

She was struggling to breathe when she woke, vision and mind a blur as she blinked into the dark room. Trying to calm her pounding heart, she tried to sit up only to find she couldn't move. Her panic grew as her limbs felt numb and immovable. She fought the invisible binds and felt like screaming but couldn't make a sound. Soon her fingers twitched and suddenly she could lift her arms. Trying to sit up once more with her new mobility, she found her back too weak to left her. Found she couldn't move her legs. Couldn't feel them.

A new, fierce panic rose in her and she gasped back tears. She was frozen staring down at her legs, head going fuzzy with chaos and fear.

“No. No no no no,” she started mumbling lowly, terrified. Tears began to drip off her chin before she even knew she was crying. She felt like she was losing her mind, her breath, her memory. She got the feeling in her legs back, she swore she had. Was this a relapse? Could that happen? After all her work? Would this be permanent this time round? Why did this happen? How?

She was still silently crying and whispering when the bed shifted and a voice, muffled, was at her ear.

“Soph? Sophie, what's wrong?” Hands were on her cheek, trying to make her look elsewhere but she couldn't look away from her numb legs. Because her legs were there, she had felt them before falling asleep, how couldn't she feel them now? “Sophie, babe, you're scaring me.”

She was a harsh whirl of panic and disorder. Then a hand came into her view and it rested on her thigh. She could feel the warmth of it. Couldn't she? She still couldn't move them. Was her mind playing cruel tricks on her? Was she just remembering the warmth?

She fought the tight, dryness of her throat and tried to speak, to voice her fear. “My- my legs...”

“Your..?” The voice drifted off and soon there was shifting and both hands were on her legs. “Hey. Hey, your legs are fine, Soph. See, just feel my hands.” The hands rubbed at the thighs and knees and calves, running at different pressures and covering as much ground as she could in her hurried pace. She could feel it. She could. But why couldn't she move? “Soph, love, look at me. You're alright.” Her eyes shakily rose, tears still stinging and breathing still ragged, but those eyes were bright and sure. There was a pinch at her calf and her leg jerked from the pain. “See? Your legs are fine.” Maddie's hands soothed over the pinched skin.

Sophie slowly slid her legs about, Maddie's hands lifting to let her, and Sophie let out a relieved sob turning back to Maddie. Concern shrouded her features and her eyes were intent on her. Sophie pulled herself into a proper sitting position and grabbed Maddie tightly to her. And she sobbed into her shoulder as Maddie held her, an arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other securely at her lower back, her hand rubbing at the skin there. A constant reassurance that she had feeling. It was just a terrible waking dream that Maddie pulled her from.

 

.o.o.o.

 

Sitting in the Corner Shop, Sophie flipped through a magazine. Some days she had all the time in the world to herself. Some days her thoughts got away from her. Sometimes they were about necessities were they out of milk? Sometimes they were happy, sweet thoughts – Maddie's cute note from that morning. Sometimes they were dragging and heavy – like today.

She tried to distract herself, but her thoughts were persistent. It had started from a comment her mum had made earlier about Rosie and her big, exciting dreams and new bright life and all that. Her mum had asked her why she didn't venture out. It just wasn't her. She didn't want to, didn't need to; she was happy right where she was.

It had never been part of her ambitions to move away. Sure, she wouldn't mind traveling, but Coronation Street was her home, her life. It wasn't particularly exciting or adventurous, it was quiet and simple really. And she liked it. She was happy to live her whole life right where she grew up.

But not everyone felt that way. A lot of her peers would only ever talk about moving away and _“really starting to live”_. They weren't keen on staying any longer than they had to. Others would be happy to stay but just as happy to leave if something drew them away. Not many were content to just settle and decide that this was where they'd stay. And it was something that weighed on Sophie.

Sian had left(of course there were a lot of reasons for this, but she had). Jenna had left. And there weren't really a ton of options for girlfriend's nearby. It had left her feeling isolated, worried she'd never find someone to be with in her home. And then there was Maddie. The girl so use to running and never sticking around. Sometimes she'd remember that fact late at night and hold the girl that much tighter, silently asking her not to leave.

Because what was there to keep someone so fearless and unpredictable as Maddie Heath around? It was a whisper of a life compared to how intensely Maddie lived, was. When would she get bored of the quiet life and want to move on to something more thrilling? What if she'd rather live in beautiful Devon, close to her brother and the sea? That seemed a better place for Maddie than here...

Just then Maddie walked in, evidently today being one of the days the girl stopped in to bring her lunch. She smiled.

“You haven't eaten yet, have you?” she asked as she walked up the desk. Sophie shook her head and Maddie handed over the food. “Good, thought we could eat together. They're great an' all, but sometimes the factory crew can be tiring.” She said, coming around the counter to pull up another seat alongside Sophie.

She considered the girl as she started to eat. She was tired of her work. Soon she'd be tired of the whle street, right?

“I was thinkin', what if we went out tonight? Go do something fun.” Maybe if she kept things interesting, kept things new, Maddie wouldn't get bored...

“Do we have to?” Maddie made a face, digging through her chips. “I mean, if you want to we can, but I kinda just want to go home. Stay in with you, you know?”

Sophie quirked her head to the side, trying to judge the girl. “That's every night.”

“So?” Maddie looked to her finally, looking confused. “What's wrong with that? Are you bored? 'Cause like I said, we can go out if you want. I don't mind.” Her words were a bit rushed and Sophie felt that maybe Maddie was worried about the same things as she was.

“No. No I'm not. Just thought maybe you were.”

Maddie shrugged, shaking her head as she turned back to her food. “Nope. I like it. I don't need a lot of fuss.”

Sophie's back eased and she smiled, a quiet but bright smile.

“Alright, we'll just stay in tonight. And the rest of the week for that matter.”

“Sounds brilliant,” Maddie smiled, popping a chip in her mouth.

Sophie grabbed one herself and settled comfortably into her chair. Her thoughts with her there in that simple moment. Light and easy.

 

.o.o.o.

 

They'd needed to go shopping for a gift for her mum's birthday and had grabbed a cab and made a day of it. But now, bags in hand, they were headed out to the street; tired and so ready to just be _home_. They'd called a cab and left the stores to wait for it.

As they approached the busy street, Sophie felt an uneasiness creep up her spine. But she just held fast to Maddie's hand and kept her pace even. It was just a regular street with the usual cars and she'd been around plenty her entire life. There was nothing to worry about.

But it wasn't until she realized they needed to cross the street to be picked up by their cab that Sophie actually started to panic on the inside. Her footsteps turned sluggish as they approached the crosswalk, her fingers buzzing with fear. She tried to stamp it down, suffocate it with her own reassurances but found she was just suffocating herself.

She kept walking though, kept her face neutral and body moving. And then they were in the middle of the street. Car lights bright and piercing, filling her vision to the point of having to clamp her eyes shut, fear shocking up her spine, gripping her heart. She hadn't realized she was clasping Maddie's hand so tightly until said hand was pulling her forward quickly and she followed with blind trust as she mind was a haze of panic.

“Soph, open your eyes. We've crossed.” Maddie's voice was low and soft and her hands on her shoulders were firm and warm. She opened her eyes and found them stood near a building, far from the traffic behind. Maddie was all she could see. “You alright?”

She nodded, clearing her throat. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry 'bout. But next time I'll know to tell the cab to circle around to pick us up on that street, no matter how long it'll take.” Her hands were running up and down her arms soothingly and Sophie felt her breathing even out and her muscles relax slightly. She was still tense, she just wanted to be safely in a car and then safely inside her home. She could still hear the cars rushing behind her, could feel the fear in her bones, achingly deep and numbing.

Then Maddie was kissing her lightly and her mind was only on soft, soft lips. When she pulled back, she looked questioningly at the girl who just smiled gently. “Distracting you.”

And Sophie sighed into the next kiss, the sweet graze of lips a welcome diversion from her fearful daze.

 

.o.o.o.

 

“Mads?” she whispered into the dark.

There were nights Sophie just couldn't sleep, and the nights she'd softly call to her girlfriend were rarely answered. She didn't want to wake the girl though, she'd just prop herself up to watch Maddie sleep. Sometimes it calmed her enough to fall back asleep. But sometimes her heart wouldn't calm and her thoughts would keep spinning.

Nights like this she'd just be in a still storm, mind cruelly keeping her tired mind and body awake. Thoughts of her greatest fears playing with her current greatest happiness. And as she watched Maddie's face shift subtly in her sleep, she felt her breath catch. Not at the beauty of her girl as it usually did, but at the thought of losing her. Of messing up and driving her away. Of failing her.

She'd done it so many times already. She'd ruined things with Sian, she hadn't been enough for Jenna, they both easily left her. All because of her. Of doing something ridiculous, of feeling something ridiculous, of just being seen as ridiculous. She'd failed everyone she'd loved, including her parents. She never felt she'd ever been great or impressive; she wasn't always as kind or thoughtful as she tried to be. She just wasn't enough.

With Maddie... If she lost Maddie she didn't know what she'd do. She knew Maddie was her one. She wanted to be with her for good; for the rest of always. She felt so entwined in Maddie she was sure she'd just unravel if Maddie was pulled from her. Or pushed...

She knew she wasn't always the easiest person to be around. She'd learned that over the years. Learned that sometimes she was too pushy, too needy, too jealous, too boring, too _something_. And Maddie... Maddie was so much of the greatest things, even her cheekiness was likable. Sophie often wondered how she managed to have Maddie at her side, have her looking at her with those attentive eyes, have her kiss her with those adoring lips.

Because how was Maddie not destined for greatness?

Was there someone else out there meant for Maddie? Better suited to match Maddie's fire? It seemed more likely than her being the one for Maddie. Sometimes she felt like nothing.

In moments like this, she felt her body grow cold as if it expected the ruin to come. She just waited for herself to mess up. To do or say one too many things that would it for Maddie. For anyone in her life.

Her mind drove itself into exhaustion and she ended up slumping back into a restless sleep.

She woke with a dimness in her mind, sluggishly holding on from her night thoughts. Blinking her eyes open, she found Maddie gazing down at her. She turned her head to look at her full on, taking in the smile on those lips - those adoring lips.

“What?” she groaned, voice thick with sleep.

“Nothin', just appreciating the good things,” she replied simply, fingers running along Sophie's cheek.

She swallowed at the look in those eyes – those attentive eyes.

Before she could even clear her throat, Maddie was pressing a kiss to her nose. Her heart whimpered in love.

“The brilliant things.” Maddie's voice was smooth and firm and so very dear.

Sophie loved when she woke to a boundlessly affectionate Maddie. She loved waking to Maddie. She loved Maddie.

And sometimes she felt like everything.

 


End file.
